10 seconds

One of your grandchildren messaged me this evening. 

It was my sister.

She was begging me for a picture of your house. The one we grew up in. The papers were finalized just the other day. We finally have it sold. We’re gathering up your’s and our things and sorting through it. 

It’s an emotional mess.

I’ve been trying to distance myself from it all, but tonight, my walls came crashing down. 

I found an audio clip of your voice. 

My sister had begged my for that damn photo, so I caved and hunted it down. Then I started sending her picture after picture that I found. It was hurting both of us, but it was a pain so bittersweet it leaves you craving for more. 

After looking through the pictures, I became desperate again. Your voice felt like it had faded from my memory. The memory I had didn’t feel like it belonged to me. So I tortured myself by desperately listening to old videos and audio clips I have saved. 

And I found it. 10 seconds worth of your voice. And I thought my heart was going to break all over again. 

You were talking about cheese that was on sale. But to me, it ripped me to shreds,  it was the essence of the life I desperately missed and craved just a few more moments of. 

I just want to know why this hurts so bad. 10 seconds of audio.

 A damn sales ad for cheese. 

But it was the voice that loved me and raised me as her own. 

I miss you so much. I regret every unkind word I ever said to you. I take it all back even though it’s useless now. 

I miss you, memaw. 

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Some days are worse than others.

There are some days that your absence hits me harder than others.
I was raised with the mindset that family is everything.
A simple song can make a burst into tears.

“It’s been a long day without you, my friend.
And I’ll tell you all about it when i see you again.
We’ve come a long way from where we began.
Oh I’ll tell you all about when i see you again.” ~Charlie Puth

You were there for me when others weren’t,
Backed my play, when i thought there was no hope
And you were always in my corner when no one else was.
You were my first friend, the closest thing i had to a mother, and showed me the way.
I’m glad you no longer feel pain, yours was a terrible one.
You had so much loss in your life. You buried your mother, father, brothers, sister, niece, your husband, and your youngest son.
And yet you remained strong, your family was your life, thats what you lived for.
You raised many children in your lifetime. Most of them weren’t even yours, including me. Even though i called you “Memaw” we knew damn well you were and always will be my mother.
My aunts and uncle regret not coming to see you as much as they could have. I see no reason to rub it in, because you dont realize what you have until it’s gone.
I regret some of the mean things i said to you over the years, only some, the other times you were just being mean and it was fair game.
But i know you loved me, and that you knew i loved you.
You’re my family and now i have the responsibility of carrying on your legacy. Im not sure I’ll do a good job, but ill give it my best. Your great grandchildren will know about you, even though they only knew you briefly. I will make certain they knew the kind of woman their “Memaw” was.
I love you.

I thought about you today.

I was laying in bed, letting myself drift off for a nap before work.
My mind began to wander though, thats never a good thing.
I started to think about your last day on earth with us.
My Aunt Tammy took me out for my birthday, she gave me a wonderful time, i had missed being around her so much as of late.
Before she took me out to dinner with her family and my little cousin, she brought me to see you at the hospital.
I dreaded every single step to your room, that you would leave this world before i got to say “I love you, memaw” one more time.
You were still there though, sleeping peacefully, most of the family was there.
We didnt stay long, it was late and i was tired.
My little cousin felt uncomfortable coming to your side and telling you goodbye, since she is only 14, i can understand. I forced her to come to you though, she gave you a peck on the cheek and said a slightly nervous goodbye. We smiled at her and told her it was ok.
As i moved closer to your side, you were facing me, sleeping on your left side as you loved to do. You looked as if you were at home and taking an evening nap, very serene and calm.
I leaned over the rail of the bed and kissed you on the cheek, and i got to say “i love you memaw” for the last time.
We left after that, i had a wonderful time at dinner, Aunt Tammy’s soon to be youngest daughter inlaw has grown to like me more, we both enjoyed teasing everyone at the table that night.
Tammy took me home after desert, i said goodnight and waited for dad to get home.
The night got worse very soon.
Dad arrived home within minutes of 11pm.
At 11:34 as he sat down to supper we got the phone call.
Aunt Faye said you went peacefully, your breathing got slower, and you drifted away forever.
I felt my heart break. I had never felt a pain such as that. Its as if the whole world just stopped and everything came crashing down.
I wouldnt wish that feeling on anybody.
I held back the tears, not for long.
Dad got upset and punched the fridge door and went outside.
He came back in after awhile, and he started crying, i went to him and gave him a hug.
I started crying too.
My older cousin Jesse came over to make sure we were ok, our dog Tigger got in his lap and stayed there for a few hours.
The night was over soon and things havent been the same since then.
I long to hear your voice, i miss it so.
In anger, sadness, or love, i would love to hear it again. Even your horrible singing.
It hurts me so much to write this, i hope that by doing this, im not torturing myself but instead, helping the scar tissue to grow over the gaping hole you left in my heart. You raised me as if i was yours and when i lost you, i lost the only mother i truely ever had.

Where are the cheerful things?

Where are they?
I hope to find them soon.
Listening to the older bluegrass, I relive some good memories and receive a breath of hope.
Maybe thats cheerful.
What else?
On the cold floor with my dogs, both laying on my chest. I whisper a name quietly, suddenly I’m rewarded with a moment of full attention and soulful glance. Letting go a mock growl in my throat, its burst of movement and playtime is afoot.
I like that.
What’s next?
Controller in my hands, headset on, playing videogames with my friends. I’m reminded that it’s ok to act my age and not worry.
I know whats next.
I love this part.
Car movies and dreaming of being at the stoplight.
Waiting for the green, feeling the power ready at my command with only a few swift movements.
Go.
Theres so much that i forget to look forward to.
Of all the loss we have suffered, others gain some.
Wether it mean a painless eternal sleep or bettering yourself in life.
Maybe i can work a little harder to see the cheerful things.
I know I’ll still have my bad days, they will be horrible, but letting the world know the pain in my soul by singing to the old songs will help.

You don’t need empathy to support a depressed person

I wish that my friends would realize how true something like this is.

karenwriteshere

When a friend was hospitalized for appendicitis, people flocked to visit him at the hospital. When I was clinically depressed, some who knew it avoided me like the plague. But I completely understand — it’s natural for us to be afraid of the unfamiliar, including unfamiliar illnesses. And when it comes to depression, people are wary not because they are afraid it might be contagious (hey, many don’t even recognize it as an illness!), but because they are afraid of saying the “wrong” thing.

A friend once apologized to me, “I’m sorry I haven’t been reaching out to you or being there for you. I’m not like J — I wish I were, but I’m not. But know that I’ve been praying for you, okay?”

At the time, I smiled and told him not to worry about it. I read between the lines and I read his facial expressions — I…

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Down Time

Down time is the worst. My mind decides to wander too far. Those delicate subjects come forth, they’re painfully raw. The depression is suffocating me.
“Muddle through”
“Muddle through”
Thats all i hear anymore.
Muddle through work, sleepy, meals, video games.
Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel?
Is it cuddling with my dogs on the couch, watching TV? 
Playing lacrosse?
Video games?
I’m not living for anything anymore, I’m not sure what to live for.
All i want is sleep. Not eternal sleep. Just a long, dream free,  refreshing sleep.
That wont happen though.
I wonder why not.
Maybe when summer comes. After the holidays maybe everything will calm down. Or get worse.
Never can tell.

One Month

Its been one month since you left this horrible, sad world.
One month the squabbles and fights have worsened.
I grow more depressed.
I still feel your presence everywhere I go.
I still see dad tip the wine bottle back in your memory.
We sort through your things and feel you even more.
I still hear your voice call out my name in the night, waking me from a dead slumber, tormenting me with nightmares.
The cat that loved you so, she sleeps with me now, I can feel her sadness.
Can’t trust family anymore, they want to take everything.
They try to steal the good memories and replace them with bad ones.
I wish you were here.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, just eases the pain.